The hidden harm in a divorce

Received wisdom has it that, if parents are happier after divorce, then their children will be, too. But new research suggests this may not always be the case.

And while it is better for the child to have contact with both parents, this can be difficult among expat families, when one parent returns to the UK.

A recent study by l'Union des Familles en Europe (UFE) asked 1,137 people aged between 18 and 56 whose parents had divorced: "How do children cope with this?"

Nearly nine out of 10 (88 per cent) said divorce had had long-term effects on their personalities. Some said they had become afraid of being abandoned, others that they lacked confidence and others still that they had suffered from depression.

Replies typically included, "I carry an oppressive sentiment of guilt around with me" and "I'm afraid of losing everything from one day to the next", although some found positive aspects: "I can now adapt myself to any new situation" and "it helped me to mature as a person more quickly".

UFE spokeswoman Dominique Marcilhacy states: "Divorce may have made some of them tougher, but it has become almost taboo to say that children suffer enormously from the divorce of their parents."

Ms Marcilhacy suggests that the fact that more than 55 per cent of divorces are granted by mutual consent reinforces the myth of a happy divorce.

But for the children, said sociologist Paul Archambault in a 2002 study for the Institut national d'études démographiques, "education is cut short in cases of divorce" and
the recent study tends to confirm that, with 56 per cent of those questioned saying that that had been the case for them.

Many children said the effects of their parents' divorce had affected their working lives, too, with many keen to leave home taking whatever job came along first. Some said that the lack of confidence they had developed during the divorce continued into their professional lives; a few had even chosen a career based on the idea of "reconciliation", such as mediation or counselling, in order to help them overcome their own experiences.

Then there are the 48 per cent for whom divorce has had an effect on their relationships. "Many dream of a solid union and as a result, paradoxically, hesitate before becoming too involved with a partner," says the prominent child psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget.

He claims that, although the suffering of the children of divorced parents rarely grabs the headlines, they have consulted child psychiatrists increasingly frequently over the past 15 years, sometimes even before the divorce has actually taken place.

Do this help the children? "Some of them get over things reasonably well," says Mr Clerget, adding that "for that to happen they need to remain in contact with both parents and parents need to stop discussingtheir ex-spouses with their children".

But 40 per cent of children do not stay in regular contact with the parent with whom they do not live, usually the father.

Last but not least, disputes between parents do not always stop after divorce, with 61 per cent of them continuing to argue about child maintenance payments. Also, almost
two thirds of children are regularly exposed to one or the other of their parents denigrating the other. This means that almost half of those children are often pushed into having to choose between parents: this was observed by all the victims.