How can I set boundaries with a demanding elderly French neighbour?

Dear Cynth,

My elderly French neighbour is infirm. At first, I was happy to run the occasional errand or take her shopping, but what began as neighbourly kindness has gradually become a second job. She rings me at all hours asking “de me rendre un petit service” (to do her a little favour). Unfortunately, her “little favour” will often turn into something major that takes hours to sort out.

She also keeps telling me that, as a man, I should be willing to “assist a lady” whenever she asks. I am retired and do not mind helping someone in genuine need, but my wife is increasingly upset and says I am being taken advantage of. I feel guilty about refusing because, if something happened to my neighbour after I had ignored her pleas for help, I would feel terrible.

I fear that my wife will eventually lose her temper and confront our neighbour, making life unbearable for everyone. How can I help my neighbour without allowing her demands to take over our lives?

Set clear boundaries

You have made the classic mistake of allowing kindness to become an obligation.

Your wife's concerns deserve to be taken seriously. This is not really a choice between “being kind to your neighbour” and “keeping your wife happy”. It is about finding a sustainable arrangement that protects all three of you.

First, stop responding automatically whenever the phone rings. Decide with your wife what you are realistically prepared to do. Perhaps you could agree to one shopping trip a week and occasional small errands, but absolutely no night-time calls except in a genuine emergency.

Then explain this to your neighbour calmly. You might say: “I have been very happy to help you, but I am finding that I cannot manage so many requests. From now on, I will be able to help with shopping on Tuesday, but I will not be able to deal with larger jobs or calls during the night.”

And do not allow the “you are a man, therefore you should help a lady” argument to bother you.

Chivalry is voluntary; it is not a contractual obligation. Being a good neighbour does not mean becoming someone's unpaid chauffeur, handyman, shopper and emergency service.

Most importantly, try to find her some proper support. If she is genuinely infirm and unable to manage independently, the answer is not for one neighbour to fill the gap. She may need help from family, friends, a local home-help service, meal delivery, transport services or the appropriate social services. Your mairie or local CCAS (Centre Communal d'Action Sociale) may be able to advise her about services available to older people.

Finally, have a conversation with your wife and agree on the rules together. You should deliver the message to your neighbour, kindly but firmly, and then stick to it.

You may feel guilty for a while. Guilt does not necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes it simply means you are doing something new – saying no.