How to manage tricky family visits after moving to France

You love your new life and home in France, but what happens if family members are not so keen on your decision? 

How do you cope if, when you are brimming over with enthusiasm, they inform you they are not going to visit “because it’s not our thing”?

I found myself in this situation. After discussing it with friends, I realised that I was not alone.

I have already written about how to discourage unwelcome visitors, but how do you cope with challenging ones whom you do really want to see? 

We are all different

It has always astounded me that my daughter has not inherited my love for the south of France. She prefers to holiday in the UK. 

In the same vein, I don’t know one end of a horse from the other – but my daughter and granddaughter share this passion, so who am I to question it? 

Your time is now

You do not have to explain your decisions to anybody. You do not need anyone’s approval. 

If you have lived to a certain age, you have no doubt spent many years putting other people’s needs first. 

So where is it written that, in later years, you cannot – finally – please yourself? This is not selfish – it is self-caring.

Resist the pressure to go home

My friend’s daughter decided she was going to return to work in the UK after a career break. 

My friend has built a beautiful life for herself in France, but the daughter in question keeps haranguing her to return to the UK. 

She is annoyed because her mother won’t be on tap to help with the children, should need it. 

My friend is racked with guilt, but when I pointed out that she raised her own children as a single parent, put herself through university and held down a senior job for years, she began to put her daughter’s point of view into the correct perspective. 

Plan ahead for tricky visitors

In fact, my daughter and her family did, finally, visit us recently. 

On one level I was dreading it, as I feared they might be bored – unthinkable to me, of course, as a Frenchwoman. 

Well ahead of their planned visit, I sat down with my husband and we made a list of activities and places to go while they were with us. 

We then consulted them, sending the various options. 

This may seem super rigid, but prevention is better than cure and we wanted to show them the best possible face of our part of France. 

I have had to accept that my daughter isn’t a Francophile, nor will my granddaughter probably turn out to be one either. 

Consultation is vital

The best laid plans can, of course, come to nothing. Your reluctant guests may decide they just want to chill out, or they may feel under the weather. 

Whatever you have planned needs to be flexible, so keep lines of communication open at all times during the visit, as well as before.

You will also have to learn to bite your lip if the visit does not unfold quite as brilliantly as you anticipated. 

Take time out

Tensions can run high – especially with family members and those with whom we have “emotional history”. 

Rather than engage in a full-scale argument, take time out. Go for a walk solo. 

Have a long bath. Ring a trusted friend and vent – where you cannot be overheard. Collect your thoughts.

Even on a bad day, you can restart it at any time you like or need. 

Stay upbeat

In the end, my daughter and family’s visit turned out to be a huge success. Far from the outcome I had feared of daggers at dawn and an emotional bloodbath of recriminations! 

My granddaughter had a whale of a time – literally. We could barely extract her from our pool. 

They all loved the area and thanked us profusely for our efforts. 

Indeed, instead of it “not being our thing”, a return visit is now a case of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’.

I was overjoyed and deeply grateful to my husband, who encouraged and facilitated the visit. 

You never know how things are going to work out so it is important to keep an open mind!

Tips for hosting challenging visitors

• Do not antagonise would-be visitors by constantly singing your French home’s praises

• Consult your guests well in advance about what they would like to do – not what you think they would like to do

• Remain flexible and adjust your plans as needed

• Be optimistic – your visitors might also decide they love your haven too!

• Take time out on your own during the stay to recharge your emotional batteries

• Don’t let your visitors stay for too long