Wife is jealous of my new male French friends
Columnist Cynthia Spillman advises a reader on his spouse's isolation
She could be afraid of being abandoned by you or even socially replaced
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Dear Cynth,
My wife is jealous because I have made a group of close male French friends. My French has improved dramatically as a result. She resents it every time I go out with them. She is very shy and prefers to sit and watch TV, so how can she blame me?
I feel guilty for enjoying my new French life, when clearly she is so miserable. But I am also angry because she makes absolutely no effort to socialise or to make new friends, so what does she expect? I hope you can give me some advice as the tension is escalating daily.
Your wife is an adult; therefore she has to take responsibility for improving her lot, rather than seeing herself as a victim.
There are plenty of women who move to France and are in the same position, but they push themselves outside of their comfort zone and engage with local people. You may have to take a tough line. First, however, bear the following in mind.
You have adapted quickly and she is probably feeling left behind. Maybe she is afraid of being abandoned or of being socially replaced. She may feel like you have a life, but she does not.
You could try reassuring her by acknowledging how hard it is for her. You are not apologising for having friends but are showing a little compassion.
Perhaps you could invite one couple to your home and make an introduction. After all, she only needs one friend and through that one person she will undoubtedly meet others.
There are also lots of other newcomers in France who do not speak French, but who join classes. In this way, they both learn the language and make friends.
Try to help her find something locally that mirrors her interests. There may even be somebody in that group who can speak English.
Switch off the TV, take her gently by the hand and slowly involve her in French life. After all, she must have been part of the decision-making process to move to France.
You can encourage her kindly, but the last thing you should do is to apologise for creating your own life in France.
That is healthy and independent, and she will hopefully soon realise that she can do the same, at her own pace. Good luck.
