Lots of people like drinking wine but they fall into three broad categories, who all seem to dislike the others.
I’ve divided these groups of wine-consumers into Geeks, Snobs and Quaffers. I’m going to characterise (or stereotype) the way they behave. There are going to be some sweeping statements in this article, so hold on to your glasses …
Buying wine
Geeks love to buy wine by visiting producers, preferably obscure ones who practice biodynamics, wear old sweaters and only open their cellars on Thursdays with an R in the month. Failing that they have a favourite local merchant who always has something new or obscure to offer them and holds weekly tastings.
They only buy wine from the supermarket in a true emergency, which is hardly ever because they have over 1000 bottles stored in their cellar and their three wine fridges.
Wine snobs also visit producers, but they prefer an architectural wonder or old chateaux with a parking lot full of other large, brand new, German cars. The tasting room is run by a glamourous woman wearing Prada, who gives them a special discount on the massively overpriced bottles, unavailable elsewhere, that they buy in wooden cases.
Otherwise they get their wine delivered from a mail order club using vouchers from their Gold Card or Frequent-flyer membership. They only buy wine from certain supermarkets or from Nicolas and then only from respected appellations and always sealed with a cork.
Quaffers hardly ever visit producers, unless they have a local Cooperative with a quaffable BIB (Bag-in-Box). They buy almost all their wine at the supermarket and choose either their favourite brand or whatever is on special offer.
They have a strict price limit over which they hardly ever go, except for Champagne, which they don’t actually like because it gives them heartburn. They go to two or three different supermarkets during the week so that they only ever have two bottles in their trolley. Because they are definitely not alcoholics.
Choosing the wine for a meal
A Geek will have researched to find a wine style that is said to go with the dish being served, checked their cellar for a suitable bottle or gone to their local wine merchant several days in advance to help them choose.
If the wine is from an obscure appellation, made from little-known grape varieties or aged in Amphora, better still. They won’t be too concerned about the price, so long as it’s not going to be wasted on Snobs or Quaffers.
The Snob will choose a wine based on how they rate their guests or hosts. It will always be white with fish or red with meat. It will come from Bordeaux, Burgundy or Châteauneuf-du-Pape and have a name that sounds like a very famous estate (but probably isn’t) or the bottle will be extra-heavy with a deep punt.
They also like to have a bottle of sweet Sauternes in the fridge for dessert, but it’s probably been open for several weeks.
The Quaffer will serve their favourite wine whatever the dish. It is usually a brand that is almost always on special offer at their local supermarket. They don’t really mind if it is white, rosé or red so long as it is smooth.
If they want to impress their guests or hosts, they may choose a different wine that has an attractive, colourful label or a humorous name like “Vin de Merde” or “Arrogant Frog”.
Wine glasses
A Geek will most certainly have good quality wine glasses designed to enhance the wine being served. They probably have different ones for different styles of wine and maybe even for different grape varieties. They will be impeccably clean.
The Snob may have quite fancy wine glasses, usually of cut glass, but not necessarily of the right shape and size to do the wine justice. They probably have a story about where they bought them or who gifted them.
The Quaffer will have a random selection of glasses, some more suitable than others, certainly including a few Paris goblets, and probably not enough for everyone, but who cares?
Serving the wine
The Geek will serve the bottle at perfect temperature for the wine, probably using one of the three different wine fridges they own. All the bottles will have been opened at least an hour before and some will have been decanted – or even double-decanted back into their rinsed bottle.
They will pour exactly 125ml into your glass without the need of a measuring cylinder.
The Snob will have decanted the red wine, probably into a cut-glass decanter using some aeration gadget and warmed it up to room temperature, no matter what kind of red it is. The white wine will be in the kitchen fridge. They may have one of those little silver baskets to put the wine in to serve it. They will serve you tiny measures and place the decanter or wine basket just out of your reach.
The Quaffer won’t have decided which wine to serve, hoping someone else will have brought a more expensive bottle than them. They will spend five minutes looking for their corkscrew (because they normally only drink Bag-in-Box (BIB) or screwcapped bottles). They will ask you to tell them when to stop while filling your glass. They will serve every drop in the bottle, including the dregs.
Tasting the wine
The Geek will swirl and sniff their glass. Perhaps make some remarks about what they can detect on the nose, often something that most people have never heard of. They will then take a sip, contemplate it and pronounce on the balance and length, often saying the wine has ‘minerality’ or ‘a sense of terroir’ and quote a line of poetry.
The Snob will do pretty much the same as the Geek but with much more flair. They will swirl for at least a minute, remark on the ‘legs’ and the hue, close one nostril while sniffing the wine, slurp their first taste or two and then do their best Jilly Goolden impression to describe at least seven different aromas and flavours (that nobody else can detect) and declare it a fine vintage (even if it’s corked).
The Quaffer has a quick sniff to make sure it’s not vinegar, take a big mouthful and drink it straight down, grimace at the tannins or pucker their lips at the acidity (because it’s not as smooth as their favourite BIB) and ask for a top-up ‘just to check’. They will say the wine is ‘nice’ if they like it or ‘different’ if they don’t.
I hope you’ve not been offended by my tongue-in-cheek characterisation. We probably all know someone who is that kind of wine consumer but in truth there is a bit of each of them in all of us.
Jonathan Hesford has a Postgraduate Diploma in Viticulture and Oenology from Lincoln University, New Zealand and is the owner and winemaker of Domaine Treloar in the Roussillon. He is a member of the Association of Wine Educators and a self-confessed Geek.
