Five things they don’t tell you... about wellness in France

1. Le mal-être

Wellness is extremely profitable in France because even if you are disgustingly healthy, you could always have a minor dysfunction, such as slow digestion, heavy legs, a dull complexion, a lazy appetite, or just a generalised sensation of mental or physical malaise. Or indeed, all of the above.

C’est trop!

2. La tenue

Obviously, the answer is gym membership, a spa day or a keep-fit class. But you must wear the correct outfit, so before you do anything else, you will need the right fringues: yoga pants, cycling shorts, dance leggings, a new swimwear-and-towel combo, for example, plus matching footwear.

Je me prépare!

3. Le fitness

Next step is to compare local offers, and not just for price. The extras are vital. Do they give you a free water bottle? What about a special carrying bag for the water bottle? A guide to vitamins? A moisture-wicking towel? And, of course, a personalised app for your smartphone.

Les valeurs sûres!

4. La visite médicale

Before donning your new fitness outfit, you need to talk to your doctor to ensure that your regime is not hazardous to your health. You might even need a doctor’s note to show the instructor when you start gym douce (gentle exercise, such as stretching) or la danse pour débutants.

Il faut être sérieux!

5. Le repos

If you really cannot face it, you clearly have la flemme and must oser le repos (dare to relax). There are entire books on the subject, should you need guidance.

Obviously, you will need the correct tenue for this as well, so you will have to hit the shops again before hitting the sofa.

Oh là là!