A French expat's view of the Brits

LIKE many of the sophisticated Parisians who come to try their luck in London, Hortense de Monplaisir admits she moved to the UK purely for financial reasons.

“I would like to say it was for the exciting cosmopolitan culture but the truth is more prosaic,” she says. “Although I hate to be vulgar, the real reason was money. My husband was offered a promotion in his bank and I was happy to be his consort, bringing my Parisian savoir-faire to a new and appreciative audience.

“It is an interesting inequality between our two nations: the English move to France because they are in love with our lifestyle, whereas the French move to England only for professional purposes.”

From the vantage point of her home in London’s most fashionably French quarter, South Kensington, Hortense is ideally placed to lend a critical eye to the native inhabitants, and laments the physical appearance of her neighbouring Brits. English women have big tummies, thanks to their drinking habits, as well as big feet and big bottoms, she asserts.

“But I admit some English women are beautiful,” she says. “Coco Chanel said that at the age of 30 a woman must choose between her face and her behind, and it is clear that English women favour their faces.” In regards to British men, she has “come to appreciate ginger hair”.

English people are also odd in the sense that they have a bunker mentality and like to live in the cellar, says Hortense. “We know that below street level is for storing wine and skis, but the English always convert this dark area of their terraced house into a huge kitchen/dining/living room where they spend all their time, ignoring the lighter rooms above.”

Unfortunately, the public services in the UK also fail to live up to Hortense’s French standards. She is horrified that people pay a fortune to travel to work standing squashed in a corner of a train and insists on a mask when visiting a hospital as they are “crawling with microbes”. Fortunately, she can return to her specialists in Paris when in need of healthcare.

“The French community in London is also appalled by English drunkenness, which afflicts all ages and classes,” she says. “You would never see similar scenes in France.”

Although Madame de Monplaisir is critical of some elements of English behaviour, she also praises some aspects of life here. Even though the French know you cannot beat grated celeriac in mayonnaise and a saignant côte de boeuf, the food in London has vastly improved since when she first arrived, possibly because so many French people now live here.

Hortense is also keen to stress that she is only being honest and not deliberately wanting to cause upset.

“When I published my book, Le Dossier, I was surprised to receive a lot of hate mail from people who read the Daily Mail – I think you call them Little Englanders – urging me to return to my homeland. I was hurt, because I was only sharing my frank impressions, and when you think how many books the English have churned out about the horrid French...”

London now feels like home for the Parisienne. “There is a freedom, a variety here that I do not see in Paris – which strikes me now, dare I say it, as being rather provincial,” she says.

Le Dossier or How to Survive the English by Hortense de Monplaisir is published by John Murray. Hortense is, in fact, Sarah Long, a British author who lived in Paris for 10 years