How to deal with clingy acquaintances after moving to France

Many of us have been newcomers to France at some point – even those, like me, who are half French.

As humans, we are generally social creatures and enjoy making others feel welcome when they are new.

It is a different matter altogether, however, when that person confuses politeness with a more meaningful connection.

Life-enhancers versus energy-sappers

There are people who always make you feel uplifted after you have been in their company, and there are others who make you feel like a drained battery.

I believe that as we age, we are quicker to spot the difference between the two.

I refer to the latter type of personality as a ‘Klingon’ – not to be confused with aliens from outer space.

Perhaps they message you daily, or they invite themselves to your home. They monopolise you at social gatherings and assume that because you have lived in France for longer, you are now their personal guide, translator and emergency contact rolled into one.

Their needs are not your responsibility

It is easy to feel guilty about distancing yourself from newcomers. You are trapped by empathy because you can remember how lonely and isolated you felt when you first moved here.

However, it is one thing to help somebody to find their feet, and quite another to become their lifeline forever and a day.

It is not fair on you and it is not tenable. Ultimately, it could be argued that you are enabling them to remain in a ‘twilight zone’ – making no effort to create a new life of their own.

Set boundaries

Let’s face it, some people are emotional bloodsuckers. It is not your duty to find out why, but it is your responsibility, as always, to look after yourself first and foremost.

If contact with a particular person leaves you feeling drained, irritated or trapped, listen to your instincts. These feelings do matter.

Helping someone find their feet is generous. Being taken advantage of is entirely different.

Stop responding instantly. Be unavailable more often.

If you respond immediately, you are just fuelling the fires of expectation. Leave longer gaps between replies.

When they ask your advice, answer in short, closed sentences. Be vague. Do not start fretting about hurting their feelings. At some level they know they are imposing on you.

By establishing more distance, they might actually start to stand on their own two feet instead of being your shadow.

‘No’ is a complete sentence

This is one of my favourite expressions. I am still not fantastic at putting it into action myself, but I am definitely improving.

Case in point: last week I received a message from somebody who had looked after our dogs 15 years ago, informing me that she wished to stay with us for a week in August.

I have written about this dilemma in previous articles, including my sacred ‘three-day rule’.

I still find it hard, but I replied immediately that we were busy then. I knew that if I delayed my response, I would ruminate about it for hours and even days.

Undeterred, she then sent further messages telling me she could “fit in with any of my dates”. Talk about not taking the hint!

I decided to be cruel to be kind (to myself) and did not reply.

You can easily apply the same technique to nuisance acquaintances. Nowhere is it written that we should be doormats.

French people can be more direct

Expatriates, especially Britons, often struggle with the French willingness to refuse requests directly. A French person may simply say: "No, that's not possible."

They frequently distinguish between politeness and friendliness more sharply than Britons do.

This can initially feel abrupt, but it often saves time and prevents confusion about expectations.

Study and learn from your French friends. This is a skill that can be cultivated at any age and stage of life. Nowhere is it more relevant than when you are trying to shake off somebody who brings nothing to your life and expects everything from you in return.

Tips for coping with clingy acquaintances

• Be consistent with your behaviour and responses.

• Decline invitations clearly and quickly.

• Do not create a pattern of behaviour.

• Do not apologise for not responding.

• Be courteous but firm.

• If you have to see them, do so in a group setting to reduce intensity.

Have you encountered this sort of problem with a new acquaintance? Email cynthia@connexionfrance.com to share your experiences.