Our teenage daughter in France has turned her back on old life in UK
She has no interest in either going there or communicating with people there
Teenagers often speak in absolutes because it helps them to feel independent and in control
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Dear Cynth,
Our teenage daughter refuses to return to the UK to visit our family and friends there. She says that part of her life is behind her now and she has no interest in either going there or communicating with them. We feel baffled as we have a large, loving family in the UK and cannot fathom why she is taking this approach. If we try to discuss it with her, she just explodes and further conversation is impossible. What can we do?
Your daughter is probably trying to define who she is, not issuing a final verdict on her family. Teenagers often speak in absolutes because it helps them to feel independent and in control. She may feel rooted in where she currently lives and England reminds her of an earlier version of herself from which she wants distance.
Perhaps she finds returning emotionally draining, or she is experimenting with identity and belonging.
Trying to convince her otherwise head-on can easily turn this into a power struggle about autonomy rather than a conversation about family.
A more productive approach is to tell her you want to understand what is making her so resistant. Could she be bored there? Is she embarrassed about accent changes? Perhaps she is missing friends at home. It could be that she fears feeling judged – or that she simply wants control over her own life.
Once you know the actual issue, you can address that rather than arguing. It is worth separating two things. The first is her right to her own identity; the second is the importance of maintaining family connections.
These are not mutually exclusive. Many teenagers with expatriate backgrounds go through phases of strongly attaching themselves to one identity.
Practically, you may get further by shortening visits, giving her more say in timing and plans and arranging time with cousins or friends of her age rather than only adult family.
However, parents are allowed to set some expectations. The key is tone. Teenagers respond far better to being respected than overruled. The goal currently is to keep the bridge intact, not to win the argument immediately.
If seeing elderly grandparents or maintaining basic family ties matters to you, it is reasonable to say so, calmly and directly.
