A French person explains how his family use tu and vous

The rules behind the use of tu and vous when speaking French often differ in theory from how they are used in practice.

Making the 'right' choice can be complicated to wrap your head around - and even native French speakers such as myself sometimes struggle between the casual tu and formal vous. 

To help Connexion readers better understand when to use either word, I have given some examples of real-life tu and vous situations, from my point of view as a 33-year-old man who grew up in France.

Family

My father told me that he started using ‘tu’ with his father-in-law after being invited to do so - my parents had been dating for nearly 15 years at that point. My father told me he would have never have used tu to my grandfather if the invite had not come.

My mother (in her 60s) has never ‘tu-ed’ my paternal grandmother (in her 90s), even though my grandmother speaks to her using ‘tu’. My grandmother never asked to be ‘tu-ed’ and my mother said she would never do so without permission.

My step-grandmother on my mother’s side has always used the ‘vous’ form when talking to my mother.

This can be explained because my grandmother is not related ‘by blood.’ For me, I consider her a grandmother since she has been around since I was seven.

My mother always refers to her using ‘vous’ and my grandmother has never asked to be ‘tu-ed."

I use ‘tu’ with her and she ‘tu-es’ me.

My sister, 31, has never used ‘tu’ when speaking with her parents-in-law, both because of tradition and politeness, she said.

My brother-in-law continues to use ‘vous’ with my mother ever since he started dating my sister 12 years ago, even though my mother has said he can use ‘tu.’

Work

To the best of my recollection, I have only used ‘vous’ in a professional environment on one occasion - when on the phone with a journalist I had never met in person. They immediately asked to switch to ‘tu’ and I followed.

I use ‘vous’ when interviewing people.

At The Connexion, I have never asked myself if I would ‘tu’ my boss because we speak in English. To be honest, I do not know if I would ‘tu’ her if we were in a casual setting.

My mother has told me she used ‘vous’ in professional settings because that is how the relationships started out, based on a hierarchy. My mother said she just did it out of habit.

Education

My father and I agreed we would never use ‘tu’ when speaking to a teacher even if the teacher in question was very young. My father uses ‘vous’ to speak with younger teachers, just like I would.

Social life

I ‘tu’ a lot.

I ‘tu-ed’ my brother-in-law’s parents the second time I met them and was told by my sister that his mother did not like it.

When I am in the bus or the train and want to hop off, I would use the ‘tu’ form to ask people around my age to step aside, saying ‘excuse-moi’ rather than ‘excusez-moi’, but I would use the ‘vous’ form when asking older people.

But the use of ‘vous’, however, can be employed by younger people as well.