By Patricia Mansfield-Devine
LAST summer my husband and I got the phone call that no one in France wants to hear: "If you want to see your loved one alive, do not leave it until the weekend."
It concerned my husband’s mother, Lise, who had been diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks earlier. At first, the doctors were optimistic that she would live at least a year, but then we got a call to say she had deteriorated.
We hurriedly began to pack, and discussed our transport options. Our nearest airport in Normandy, at Dinard, is two hours’ drive away. It has only one flight a day and flies into Stansted - miles across country from where Lise lived. That left either the six-hour drive to Calais, plus a one-hour crossing, or a two-hour drive to Caen and a six- or eight-hour crossing.
Then the phone rang again with the news that Lise was already unconscious and was expected to live only a few hours. My husband and I looked at one another and then at the clock. Even if we left at that exact minute, the chances of seeing her while she was still alive were zero.
Few Britons in France, even those with elderly parents, seem to think in advance about that emergency call, or to have set aside a contingency fund for an unexpected trip to the UK.
Perhaps it is because many of us feel instinctively Britain is only a few miles away, but in fact when we made the same dash for my mother in 2007, it took us nearly 23 hours from door to door.
Even fewer Britons consider the possibility that a loved one might linger on rather than dying on schedule, but this is also what happened with my mother.
Expected to live only 24 hours, she actually lived another five weeks, but because of work commitments we could not stay in the UK indefinitely and had to leave after only three days.
Sarah English and her husband Frederick have lived in the Pays de la Loire for nine years and in that time, several family members have died. Getting away is always difficult, however, because they own gites and keep horses.
Their commitments mean they have never had a holiday since moving to France.
Sarah has lost two uncles, an aunt and two brothers since she left the UK, but Fred’s grandfather, she says, was the most difficult.
"We were living in the Limousin at that time and we had only just moved. We only had one vehicle, I was recovering from an illness, and Fred didn’t feel that he could leave me alone while he went back.
"However, I couldn’t go with him because of our horses, which need twice-daily care.
"They were only just recovering from the trip and we knew no-one in our district who could take care of them.
"It was a difficult decision, but instead of going to the funeral, we stayed in France, lit a candle at the appropriate time and meditated on his grandad’s life for a while."
She and Fred had never thought about this issue before moving abroad and even now, do not have a contingency plan.
However, her parents are dead, and it is easier for Fred to get away to visit family because Sarah is the horsewoman and can handle the animals alone if need be.
"While I don’t feel that I personally can be away for more than 24 hours," she says, "Fred can be away for longer - if someone fell ill, in fact, he could be away indefinitely."
If you live in the south of France, strangely, it can be quicker to get back to Britain - despite the extra distance - because of the better air links.
Andre Cudworth had only just emigrated to the Midi-Pyrenées with her husband and son when, literally days later, she was called back to the UK to see her mother, who was dying of cancer.
"Although her death was something I had thought about, in retrospect I don’t think I accepted that she was actually almost at the end of her life," says Andre.
"I now I wish I had stayed in the UK until she had died, as we were only here six days before I was called back.
"It was a rotten time really because I felt I should be with my family for the move over here but I also felt I should stay behind with mum just in case she took a turn for the worse - and then she did."
Andre had a choice of two airports - Pau and Toulouse - offering multiple flights per day back to the UK, and at the British end, her family live near Stansted, so she was able to get home in only six hours.
Andre’s mother died two days later.
Although the trip was not costly in monetary terms - for example, she stayed with her sister who also provided transport - she has now put aside an emergency fund for future use.
"I have two daughters and all my family in UK," she says, "and if the need arises, we can just go at a moment’s notice."
Be prepared
Having to dash back to the UK poses the greatest difficulty for those with businesses to run, retired people on tight incomes, and people with unavoidable commitments such as children or animals.
However, there are some advance preparations you can make:
- Have an emergency fund for travel and living expenses. Take into account ferry or plane tickets, car hire, petrol, hotels and having to eat take-away and restaurant food instead of eating at home. As an example, our three-day trip to the UK in 2007 cost nearly £1,000, mainly in ferry and hotel bills.
- Make sure that someone has the spare key to your French house and knows where everything is, such as the stopcock and the animal food.
- If you do not plan to take your children, arrange someone who can take care of them at short notice - remember to contact the school to arrange their bona fides.
- If you are employed, ask about your firm’s policy on compassionate leave.
