France family advice: should I cut off my cousin?

My cousin and I moved to France as young adults. We were always close as children, despite him being a few years older.

This bond only grew stronger when we moved, as we had no other family close by. However, since he got married 10 years ago, relations have soured.

His wife is the bossiest creature I have ever encountered. She has managed to turn my cousin into her devoted slave and whenever she barks “Jump!”, he responds with “How high?”.

I can’t stand their constant put-downs of me and my wife. Every decision we make, they criticise. It’s now getting to the point where I just want to cut them off, but the only other ‘family’ I have here is on my [French] wife’s side.

Although they are lovely, we obviously don’t share the same memories or cultural references that once made it such a joy to spend time with my cousin.

Your cousin is only a few years older, but seems to have cast himself in the role of a wise sage. Of course, this says everything about him – and his wife – and nothing about you.

They need to be reminded that you are an adult with a successful life of your own. Perhaps underneath their ‘advice’ festers jealousy. I have often found that ‘help’ is the sunny side of control.

People who really care about you elevate, rather than diminish, you. As you noted, you have another, French family now. Spend time with them, get to know them better and withdraw from the critics.

Building a new life in France

I appreciate that distancing yourself from your cousin might feel like letting go of the last living UK connection. Even a painful relationship can still represent shared memories, family history and a sense of identity.

Cutting that final thread can feel frightening, as though a part of your identity is being left behind.

However, the bravest step was perhaps the one you have already taken: moving to France and building a new life from scratch.

Since then, you have created friendships, established roots and shown that you are capable of adapting and flourishing in a different country. That suggests you have far more resilience than you might give yourself credit for.

Whether or not you remain close to your cousin, you have already proved that you can create a meaningful life on your own terms. The future does not have to be defined by family, but by the life you continue to build.