Grieving while in France: personal ways to honour those we have lost

I have written about the practical aspects of bereavement abroad, but this month I am looking at it from a different angle – how we remember our lost ones. 

I was confronted with this recently when a therapist ‘friend’ informed me that, as my son will soon have been dead for 38 years, it was time for me to put him out of my head. 

I was appalled – and it got me thinking about how other expatriates cope with such a delicate subject. 

Living abroad can often make me feel like I have ‘left behind’ my son. It sounds ridiculous, but it is real. And that’s why I do what I do to honour his memory. 

Personal acts of remembrance

My son is buried in Hertfordshire, so I cannot visit his grave often now that I live abroad. 

I have faithful friends who are willing to go and clean his headstone and lay flowers occasionally.

On the anniversary of his death, I always feel appropriately sad. The run-up to the day is usually worse than the day itself. It still feels surreal. 

I tell people that the day is looming. If I feel like I want to ‘duvet dive’ that is also fine. I will post photos of him on Facebook. I light a candle by one of his photos and put a bunch of flowers next to it. 

Some find that writing a letter to their lost loved one can be cathartic. Journalling is also helpful. Keep it uncensored. It is for your eyes only, unless you choose to share it with anybody else. 

Honouring cultural and religious differences

It is important to respect others’ beliefs, but you do not have to let people impose theirs on you. 

I could write a book about what not to say to others during an anniversary, such as “he’s in a better place”, or “God needed him more than you did”. 

This has been said to me and it is like having salt rubbed in the wound.

If you want to attend a religious ceremony, all well and good, but you do not have to go to a place of worship in order to hold your loved one in your heart and remember them on their special day. 

Symbolic acts

Others plant a tree, dedicate a bench or create a piece of art in memoriam. Two years ago, I donated an award in memory of my son to a Glaswegian school. It is comforting to know that every year some young person will receive a prize in Anthony’s memory. Perhaps it gives them an opportunity he never had. 

You do not have to spend a lot of money. It is about doing something deeply personal and meaningful to you.

Charitable giving

Giving in memory of someone is a beautiful way to honour their legacy while making a positive impact. You could make a one-time donation to a cause they loved, or a recurring gift. Or you could create a campaign in their honour.

In France, it is common to donate to Fondation de France, Secours Catholique, or SPA (animal protection). 

You might also honour them on Toussaint (All Saints’ Day) with a donation and candle-lighting ritual. 

Some charities allow you to plant a tree or sponsor a bench in their name. You could organise a memorial fundraiser or event, such as a walk, concert, or cake sale. 

Hosting a virtual tribute

It can be so healing to invite those who knew your loved one to a virtual event. It is inevitable that people scatter, but there will always be a core few who can reminisce. 

My son has been gone for such a long time, it can be hard to remember him in detail – the sound of his voice, his smell. It has all faded now into sometimes feeling surreal. 

I am grateful for those who are willing to indulge me in discussing those memories: the funny, deeply affectionate and naughty child that he was. 

Manage your expectations

Do not expect others to view your acts of remembrance similarly. My husband Peter never knew my son, but he respects the fact that every November I am going to feel down. 

By extension, I did not know his lost baby daughter, but I respect that his way of coping with her anniversary is not to acknowledge it. 

Love is immortal. It is the force that takes a broken heart and strengthens it into a vessel capable of holding both immense sorrow and enduring, transformative light.

Tips for honouring special days

• Grief has no expiry date.
• Listen to your instincts.
• Feelings of sadness pass.
• Ask for support.
• Remembrance is personal.
• Living your best life is the most profound act of remembrance.

How do you remember your lost ones? Please email cynthia@connexionfrance.com with your ideas and thoughts.