My French cleaner is too familiar with me
Columnist Cynthia Spillman advises a reader on setting boundaries
State that you would prefer to maintain a purely professional relationship
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Dear Cynth,
My French cleaner is far too familiar for my liking. She asks me personal questions, she overshares and she absolutely insists on referring to me as tu. I always thought that the French were a somewhat formal nation, but she seems to be the total opposite.
I do not want to sack her, because apart from these traits she is an excellent cleaner and they are hard to come by in the village where I live. Nor do I want to offend her, but I am finding the status quo intolerable.
I do not want her to be my friend – I have plenty of those already. I just want her to do her job, without the incessant chattering and over-familiarity. Can you please advise me?
The French generally prefer hinting over confrontation. You could simply consistently start using vous with her in the hope that she mirrors you and automatically replies using that too. This lets her save face and avoids embarrassment.
If, however, she does not take the hint, you could politely correct her. This is normal and acceptable in France.
Say once, calmly and without apology, that you would prefer to use vous with each other. This is not rude in French culture. It is clear and professional.
Using tu instead of vous signals familiarity and social equality. For a paid working relationship, especially in someone’s home, most people still expect vous unless both sides explicitly agree otherwise.
With regard to the oversharing, or if her behaviour feels too familiar, you can reset boundaries more broadly, at any time.
This can be achieved by stating that you would prefer to maintain a purely professional relationship. This frames it as professional rather than personal.
This is very clear and is culturally understood. In France, clear boundaries are respected more than emotional explanations.
Do not over-explain. The more you explain, the bigger hole you dig for yourself. It weakens the boundary.
Do not joke about it – that invites continued familiarity.
Above all, do not apologise – it suggests negotiability.
If all else fails, and you really do want to keep her, try being out as much as possible when she comes, looking ‘busy’, or removing yourself to another room or the garden when she arrives.
You are not there for her entertainment or as a sounding-board for her personal problems.
At the end of the day, only you can decide if she is worth the pain.
I once had to sack a cleaner who insisted on going through my medicine cabinet, giving me unsolicited advice about the tablets I was on and suggesting that I consult her “healer” husband for my various ailments. She also commented negatively on my appearance.
She was not a particularly good cleaner and it got to the point where I preferred to do the housework myself, rather than endure her weekly preaching.
Sometimes peace of mind is much more important than having a spotless home.
Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing upset or worry? Our advice column can help. Write to: askcynth@connexionfrance.com.
Any letters selected for publication will be anonymised. Cynthia will endeavour to reply to all emails.
