Was it a mistake to move to France?
Columnist Cynthia Spillman has some advice for a reader who is getting cold feet
For most people the intensity of reality setting in eases after the first full year cycle of deadlines and renewals
Krakenimages.com/Shutterstock
Dear Cynth,
We have only been living in France for a few months but are already getting cold feet and realising that holidays are no preparation for the real thing.
Every day is accompanied by another hassle: infestations; problems with bureaucracy and, worse, inconsistent bureaucracy; institutions back home washing their hands of us (banks, pension providers) and screwing up our data; deliveries constantly going missing; the struggle to build a network of like-minded people without becoming an alcoholic...
I could triple the items on here and still have leftovers. In short, have we made a costly and terrible mistake? Is this a common feeling? How long does it last?
What you are describing is not a personal failure, nor a sign that you made a “terrible mistake”.
Rather, it is a very common stage of settling in – especially in France – and tends to hit precisely when the initial excitement has worn off and reality sets in.
Holidays are terrible preparation for real life abroad. On holiday, the systems bend around you; when you move, you are required to bend around them.
That shift alone is enough to trigger panic. Add in housing problems, infestations, administrative opacity, institutions back home dropping the ball, parcels vanishing into thin air and the social isolation that comes from starting again from scratch and of course it can feel relentless.
Yes – this is a common feeling. For most people the intensity eases after the first full year, once you have survived a complete cycle of seasons, tax deadlines, renewals and everyday annoyances.
It is not because France becomes easy – but because you become more competent. The problems don’t disappear, your reaction to them changes.
A few pieces of advice may help you now. Stop treating every problem as evidence that the move was wrong. Reduce your expectations. Know that France rewards persistence.
Limit venting to specific times and people. Build anchors that are not alcohol-based. Join a weekly class, go for a regular walk, or volunteer.
Finally, give yourselves permission to decide later; you don’t have to judge the success or failure of this move when you are feeling the most depleted.
For now, focus on getting through the next three months, not solving your entire future.
If it is any consolation, despite having a French mother and coming here for two months every summer, I also feared that we had made a terrible mistake moving here when push came to shove.
I was completely wrong – it has turned out to be the best decision we have ever made, and we are both happier than we have ever been. Bon courage, mes braves!
Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing upset or worry? Our advice column can help. Write to: askcynth@connexionfrance.com.
