Why making friends in France can take time – and how to succeed

It can be so easy to get caught up in the excitement of moving to France. It is a beautiful country; there is a depth of culture, delicious food to savour and, hopefully, better weather. 

However, once the honeymoon is over and all the bureaucratic hurdles have been jumped, harsh reality may set in and you can start to miss old friendships back home. 

In France, invitations tend to be intentional, rather than on the spur of the moment. People like to plan in advance. 

The French can be formal and questions about relationships, jobs and struggles may be frowned upon and perceived as intrusive. This makes it much likelier that topics of conversation will be general and will focus on safe, intellectual or practical matters. 

Oversharing or a ‘confessional’ style of conversation can make a French person feel most uncomfortable. 

As a newbie, you may feel excluded. In addition, an absence of shared history does not make for spontaneity of conversation. 

Core friendships

I am fortunate in being bilingual and that I have a large French family and core friendships here. 

However, without wishing to sound critical, I have often observed that they have been moving in the same tight-knit circle for decades. These are people they met at school or university, their neighbourhood friends and sometimes the children of their parents’ friends. 

These relationships stick. Wearing my expat’s hat, I can understand why newcomers would find it almost impossible to break into these circles. 

Personally, I prefer to have friends from wide-ranging sources, but I do respect that in some ways I am a foreigner living in France, French mother or not.

Cultural differences 

In France, the line between politeness and friendship is much more clearly defined. However, for English-speaking expats friendliness and friendship have historically overlapped. 

I have been caught out by this in the past, have been too pushy, and have felt quite embarrassed as a result. 

French people may be courteous, helpful and even charming – without any intention of forming a personal bond. For newcomers, this can feel confusing or even like rejection. Interactions seem pleasant, yet nothing progresses. 

Language

Even expats with good conversational French often find that emotional nuance, humour, irony and vulnerability remain just out of reach.

Speaking fluently enough to manage daily life is very different from expressing insecurity, frustration, affection or disagreement with ease.

The resulting imbalance can leave expats feeling perpetually misunderstood. It takes time to pick up the necessary linguistic skills and to practise these appropriately, avoiding any faux pas.

Transience

Even expats who intend to stay long-term are often unconsciously categorised as transient. People come and go frequently in international communities and many French locals have experienced friendships which quietly disappeared when someone moved away. 

This can create hesitation: why invest deeply when history suggests impermanence?

Paradoxically, the depth of French friendship, once achieved, is often profound. French friendships tend to be loyal, enduring and intellectually rich. They are not formed quickly, but they are taken seriously. 

The challenge lies in tolerating the long apprenticeship required to reach that level of trust. For many expats, this demands patience, humility, and a willingness to sit with discomfort rather than seeking an immediate emotional payoff. 

Tips for building enduring friendships

• Manage your expectations. Suggest clearly-defined activities within organised structures. This removes social pressure from your potential new friends.
• Focus on consistency. A little, built up over a longer period, will lead you to the nurturing friendships you desire
• Learn and practise the language in all contexts. 
• Take care of yourself. The better you feel, the more you will have to offer potential new friends.
• Accept that progress is going to be slow, respect others’ boundaries and do not take a seeming rebuff to heart. 
• Concentrate on making just one new French friend. They may introduce you to others and it is in baby steps that you start to build a solid friendship network.

Did you struggle to make French friends? Email cynthia@connexionfrance.com and share your experiences.