What to do when family or friends need help while you are in France

One thing is certain: just because you live in France, you are not going to be immune from crises that happen “back home”. 

When the proverbial s**t hits the fan, how do you cope? 

Do you feel compelled to take the first flight back to sort it out? It can be especially tough when your children and grandchildren are in difficulty, but I urge you to resist. 

Pause and take a step back. 

Be practical but don’t ‘rescue’

Let’s face it, being a parent is a job for life. You never stop worrying about your children, no matter how old they are. 

When they are in distress, it affects you too, and as a parent you have an in-built urge to rush in and try to “fix” everything. 

The reality is that you cannot always do this, especially if your children are fully-fledged adults. 

Much as you hate to see them suffer, you are actually often powerless. 

By all means support them from a distance, but galloping in like the parental cavalry will probably achieve nothing and may even exacerbate an already tough situation. 

Problems come in all shapes and sizes

I mention children, but the same applies to other relatives, and even friends. 

My mother-in-law died recently. We knew the end was approaching but were faced with the dilemma of leaving for France as planned – and realising that we may have to turn back the day after we arrived, should she die – or not going at all. 

As it happened, she died 10 days before we were due to travel, so this was one mini-crisis we managed to avoid. 

Guilt is corrosive

Guilt is one of the most useless and painful emotions we can experience. 

If you have a sick friend or relative back home who you think needs help and support, how do you cope when you live thousands of miles away? 

What if other family members are resentful of you living in France, and make you feel that you are shirking responsibility? 

There are a myriad of ways in which you can offer support without having to be physically present. 

You need never succumb to any form of emotional blackmail – and that includes the sort you inflict on yourself. We all have historic inner tapes which can be hard to stop playing!

Self-care is not selfishness

Many of us were brought up to believe we must always put the perceived needs of others first. 

This has caused me untold suffering in my life – that pernicious feeling that you do not matter, that you must swallow your feelings and think of others before yourself. 

It has taken me the best part of 66 years to realise that if something does not feel right, I should trust my instincts. 

If I do not, that is when I get into trouble. 

You have a right to your French life. You have a right to peace and quiet, away from others’ drama and chaos. 

This does not mean you do not care, but at a certain point in our lives, self-preservation must overtake guilt and the heinous list of “shoulds”. 

Communication matters

I am not suggesting that you remove yourself completely from those in trouble back home. 

Once again, it is about setting boundaries. 

Distance can be a great protector and I say that as somebody who currently has plenty of trouble taking place on the other side of the Channel. 

By all means keep up the phone calls, messages and emails – but decide when enough is enough. Switch off your phone at a certain time every night. 

If any form of communication triggers or provokes you, step back. You do not need to be dragged into somebody else’s war zone. 

Live life on your own terms

We do not know how many years we have left. Life can be so random and its fragility scary. 

Yes, witnessing our loved one’s trials and tribulations from a distance can be heart-wrenching, but, frankly, you have served your time, paid your emotional dues and the future belongs to you. 

Coming to that realisation can be exhilarating. 

This is one of the beautiful aspects of ageing. We are no longer accountable to anybody. Be there for others – but also know when it is time to let go.

Tips for coping with crises

• Look after yourself first and foremost
• Self-care is not selfishness
• Offer practical help – from a distance
• Know when to step back
• Set boundaries
• Live the best life you can – you deserve it

Do you have a story about coping with crises from abroad? If so, email cynthia@connexionfrance.com and share your experience.