Is it really necessary to kiss people as a greeting in France?
Columnist Cynthia Spillman has some sympathy with this reader's issue
Reframe la bise avoidance as a boundary issue and not a cultural failure
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Dear Cynth,
I know this is probably going to sound ridiculous and petty, but I just cannot cope with the kissy-kissy aspect of French life. I really loathe it. I am a very private person and I find the assumption that everyone should subject themselves to being virtually mauled by complete strangers nothing short of repulsive. I do not want to offend anybody, but how on earth do I get a grip on this? Do you think I am mad and need to seek therapy? It is frankly becoming an obsession which is putting me off socialising. I am an elderly widow so isolation is very bad for my mental health. Please help me!
You are not rude, strange or failing at integration for feeling this way. A lot of people cope with France until la bise becomes the final straw.
Here is what you can do without turning yourself into someone you are not.
First, reframe this as a boundary issue and not a cultural failure. In France, la bise is a habit, not a moral obligation.
Post-Covid, many French people dislike it too. You do not have to conform. When you see la bise coming, take a half step back, extend a hand confidently and smile. Most people will switch to a handshake. This removes the awkward moment of refusal.
Secondly, know that you don’t have to explain your reluctance. If you start trying to come up with excuses, you risk digging yourself a hole. No justification is required.
Decide who you will kiss and who is definitely in a non-negotiable zone – and stick to this.
If somebody makes a joke about your boundary, you can respond flatly, but not defensively, by simply saying ça ne me convient pas. End of story. No explanation.
Anybody who continues to push the point after this is the one being rude – not you.
You do not have to deprive yourself of social contact because of this. You are an individual, with your own unique emotional make-up, experiences and personality traits. Not giving la bise does not mean you are going to be shunned or no longer invited to events.
You are not failing France, you are just being you. What others think of you is none of your business.
Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing upset or worry? Our advice column can help. Write to: askcynth@connexionfrance.com.
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